AN OPEN LETTER: from my heart
Early last year I realised that some of my old psychic scar-tissue needed tending to. Because, as I was expanding my business I kept I bumping up against familiar whispers of stress, and a new, more irksome feeling that I couldn’t yet put my finger on… And I’d I seen this writing on the wall before. Pre-breakdown, in 2011. So I knew it wasn’t heading anywhere good. I stepped back from teaching. To take some breathing space. To listen to my nervous system and my heart more deeply. I discovered that my business was calling for me to care for it. I needed to grow myself in new ways if I was to continue and deepen the work. It needed me to be deeply rooted in my own sovereignty.
So I stopped. Everything.
And to be honest it almost ruined me. Financially, professionally, emotionally.
I was faced with a backlog of enquiries. If you are one of those people and I did not respond, I deeply apologise. I was messy. As a triage response, I said I was on ‘sabbatical’. Even though it wasn’t exactly an Eat-Pray-Love rendezvous in exotic locations with lovers and orgasmic pizza. My studio sat empty. All social media engagement stopped. For the first time in a really long time, I had nothing to say. Just cognitive dissonance. Heart conflict. It was difficult to breathe. To be in my own skin. I had to practice self-compassion like never before.
This was no spiritual bypass. I knew the drill. Knew I was gonna have to stay with the difficult-to-be-with stuff. And so I sat in the fire ’til it burned. Hot. I let go completely. All responsibilities felt burdensome. This was unchartered territory. Slowly, as months stretched and I settled into the not knowing, I found myself having more honest self-care boundaries. A deep forgiveness and re-wiring process that was many-months-long took me where I needed to go. I faced myself in ways I had never done before. It was like cutting open the original wound. And the dressing was self-love. I poured it on.
So while it seemed to the outside world that nothing much was happening. This incredible transformation was taking place. 18 months it took to gestate, pollinate and bloom. It was necessary. Liberating. For me, of course, but also for the evolution of the work. For you. For the people who have not yet realised their need for rest or nervous system nourishment. The ones I will work with in the future.
As is my way – I became the next level of my work. I am the up-grade. If I was not a master of sweet self-care and boundaries and deep, deep rest and nervous system nourishment before, I am a Master now.
I am as fiercely wholehearted as ever, but with teflon. So come. Just as you are. I am ready. I will not do the work for you. But I will teach you everything I know.
I’ve been on the other side for a few months now. Unfurling. Galvanising my big vision. With a renewed vow to reach more people. Particularly women. Because collectively we need it now more than ever. I want to bring the work to the world beyond Byron Bay and Australia. In a way that works for me and for you. So, with that said, you might notice that I am be a little more outspoken. I want to disrupt the status quo. To get all in-your-face with permission slips and uncomfortable facts about why we need to prioritise rest. Less sugar coated. More juice. Less shrinkage. More provocateur. Because I don’t need you to like me. I need you to listen.
I am an oracle, and I know what is at stake.
The take away:
I learned that when I REALLY stop, the world does not end. I do not end. (I know this is what most of you fear)
I learned what I am made of. Mostly love. With lashings of courage. And a good sprinkle of don’t-fuck-with-me ferocity. (Like I didn’t already know?)
I am painting again. Oh my God. After 12 years. I am gently reclaiming my creative life. (I am also writing, signing, playing ukulele, dancing (always!))
I have come back, full circle, to this work. The work that was birthed through me. This beautiful, profound work that I love, so, so much. I feel so blessed.
And mostly I arrived at a new place in the work. I feel deeply excited about bringing it to you, in a very delicious and digestible way – no matter where you live.
I offer my heartfelt apology for my long silence. And my heartfelt gratitude that you are here with me. Still.
Thank you for letting me into your inbox and heart, and for allowing me to share mine.
(See the Self-Portrait I did of my heart below).
Prints available in shop click here
This is a self portrait of my Heart. 2018.
This is HOW I love and WHERE I love from.
Divinely comprised of my innocent younger-self, my bloodlines, my primordial ancestors. It is the moon and the earth and the cosmos. And my rage, my fear, my sadness, my longing… And my Courage!! My “Don’t fuck with me” boundaries and protection.
This artwork is my very first #MeToo disclosure – a story about rape and violence and sexual abuse and shame that I have been transforming for 20 years.
This is my stand for all those who cannot or will not stand.
I stand for you.
This is my nervous system, and how it is nourished by my deeply loyal and tenacious heart.
This is where I rest. In my strength. My having myself. My self-loving boundaries.
I created this whilst dancing the depths of my heart in a 3-day 5Rhythms workshop. Shedding the calcification and self-betrayal. Transforming the collateral damage. A sacred ritual of retrieval of Self. Making amends, renewing my vows.
My Awesome Fucking Heart. Welcome Home.
I Love You. ♥