Holy Ground: Lessons from a Broken Heart.
BOOM! My relationship abruptly ended in January. So I’ve been nursing a broken heart. And at the risk of sounding a little cliché, I learned how to live – when this body would not eat or sleep.
Fuuuuuck. It was brutal, humbling. To be left by the man I love? I was gutted. You see, I’m 45 and I’ve never been left. I usually leave first. (I can hear you saying Ahaaaa! Nodding.) I was unprepared. I guess I was a little overdue, huh?
As I tended to my deepest needs, one tiny moment at a time, I found myself questioning everything. Staying with the unbearable shock and grief. Feeling ALL of it, drowning in it, not hiding it, nor from it. But letting myself be seen and held in my ultimate pain when I could barely function. Asking for what I need (this is very new and edgy for me) has been my saviour.
Buoyed by the unconditional love and support that poured in. I found myself taking rest to a whole new level. Immersing myself in self-compassion like never before. Not surprising, this initiation has transformed something in me. Immeasurable lessons about trust, my relationship with the divine, with myself, and my vast, and (mostly) unwavering heart… I’ve discovered some new gold in here (my heart). Arrived at a place of gratitude and love.
My deep truth.
And slowly now, the first flutterings of life have returned…
And this is what I am left with:
We (I) need connection. Deep friendship. Safety. Support. A place to rest, spill, unpack, and make our way back home to the wild self. With someone to see us and love us as we are. Including the messy, dark, difficult to ‘own’ parts. All of it.
And, ultimately, we’ve gotta give this to ourselves, sure, because it’s nobody else’s responsibility.
But oh darling, we are not wired to do it all alone!
This is a breakthrough for me. To fully arrive here.
It’s been a conscious process now for a few years. To challenge my own status quo. As a girl, and woman who always ‘isolated’ and did it alone ’til she was back in the light. Hiding away, playing small, dimming my light as well as my pain. I believed I had to ‘have my shit together’ – particularly as I therapist and teacher. I couldn’t bear the shame, the idea of people seeing my flawed humanity! It was exhausting. Lonely.
So to actually let myself have deep connection and support – even beyond those chosen few I’d permitted into my inner sanctum? To be truly seen, to not be self-conscious, to not censor myself out of fear of what others might think? To be held by a larger community in a deep, painful process? In my work, with my parents, in my dance, in my posts, AND to actually bring the insights to the work itself? This has been transformational for me.
To share myself publicly (here) with people I’ve never met! This would not have been possible 5 years ago. I’d sooner have died!
So now, when I step back and really look? I am unrecognisable to myself.
To really get the deeper truth. To know in my bones that I belong here. That I am not too much. That I am not alone, unloved, too intense, too emotional, too fucked up… And to really deeply feel and trust that life is up underneath me. That this experience is indeed perfect. That there’s nothing wrong. That in fact this is a gift. For me and for you.
This is a testimony to the human spirit, the heart, yes?
I have learned so much about my own needs, my conditioning, my heart and its capacity to love beyond measure. My vulnerability, my strength, my body and its deep wisdom. My nervous system and resiliency. About love. Bout trusting the process. Trusting life. And about what I really want. Ache for. And about what is possible when I step out of an old, outdated paradigm – into the fear, the unknown.
This is holy ground.
As I hold space for my own becoming. And for what I really want.
I am in awe.
For breaking my heart. ♡
B e p r o u d o f y o u r s c a r s .
T h e y h a v e e v e r y t h i n g t o d o w i t h y o u r s t r e n g t h , a n d w h a t y o u ‘ v e e n d u r e d .
T h e y ‘ r e a t r e a s u r e m a p t o t h e d e e p s e l f .
– C l a r i s s a P i n k o l a E s t e s
So, although I continue to navigate new, unfamiliar territory in myself and in the relationship (we are now exploring this holy ground together, sloooowly), I now feel to re-connect with my work, my purpose and my tribe. Invitations are coming in to guest speak/teach/write. Life is literally calling me back from the deep.
So this is – in classic Kylian style – a very transparent update, to let you know where I’ve been since I last wrote. If you’re new here and wondering WTF this has to do with rest or the psoas? This is the work, darling. This deep commitment to do the fucking work, to meet life, with vulnerability and the courage to look and to welcome ourselves as we actually are. Yes?
My life is my message and the work is always enriched by my personal challenges. That is after all where this work was birthed from. Incase you didn’t know.
I have dates for my Sydney workshop (see below) and I am excited to let you know one place has become available in my Teacher Training for 2017. I now have people signing up for 2018 – so this is an incredible opportunity to work with me in the first round! Even if you’re not sure you want to teach – this 3-month mentorship and immersion will profoundly nourish and recalibrate you. Compared to working 1:1 with me it is incredible value. Read all about it here.
And remember, there is such strength in our vulnerability….
I fucking love this life.
I f w e a r e l u c k y , w e r e t u r n t o h e l p t h o s e s t i l l t r a p p e d b e l o w .