The Perfect Paradox
I’ve been simultaneously traversing the most beautiful and heart wrenching places: falling in love – whilst healing some old, old trauma. The perfect paradox.
And in a blink, it’s the end of January. How did that happen?
In those elusive weeks that were January, I unearthed some gems about being with the dark (a.k.a. ugly, dislocated, scary) parts of myself – and how it births the light. Power. Always.
Prior to this deep dive, I spent a week with my family, on the farm where I grew up, for Christmas. I love that place. I have such a visceral experience of “home”. I slept 10 hours each night and enjoyed daily naps. I was fed like royalty by my Mum. I fully let go of my work roles, to simply reset. Oh. My. God.
I hung out with Mum and Dad. I caught up with friends with whom I’d lost contact, including a school friend I’ve not seen in 20 years since we shared a house in Sydney, and her mum who taught me kindergarten (40 years ago)! I met her exquisite daughter and her husband. I saw my nieces, who I missed growing up into these beautiful young women. My heart imploding with grief and gratitude and joy. And as much as I love my parents – and it’s been a long road to be able to openly declare that – it is also really challenging to step into allllll of this, (and a whole lot more which I won’t go in to here) for a week, yes?
Because I got to see all the parts of me that are incomplete, prickly, judgemental, resistant, hard on myself, longing. My old, old wounds and even the younger me, wanting to relate as she once did. So yeah, there was plenty of paradox and heartbreak in there.
Yet as challenging as it was, it was sublimely healing. You see, for most of my adult life – I have routinely abandoned myself and my life, and most of the people in it – as a way of escaping the unbearable pain of being in my own skin. I’d leave, and recreate myself, and my life. For some momentary relief. That was my thing.
But these days, I stay. With all of it. Which means, I get to actually have the things I’ve always secretly ached for. Like love, joy, belonging, connection – and, I get to experience conflict in a way that actually strengthens my relationships. So I really got the flip side of the dark: which is how much I’ve softened, forgiven, evolved and matured.
Like my beloved says, ‘Gotta own that shit”.
And this, my darlings, is why I do what I do, for you. It’s why I am a stand for love. It’s why I can stay here, with you – no matter where you are in your life. Because I am mastering how to stay, here, with myself. In the face of anything. Everything. And I want that for you too.
It’s liberating.
And inside of this, I really get how my staying the course, enables me to show up more fully in my life. In my work. And to birth the next juicy thing, for you, my tribe.
I’m getting present to how I really am teaching the very thing I am here to learn. Each trial I triumph, hones my superpowers. It forges my resolve a little more. Fortifies me. In turn enriching my offerings. I suppose it’s an alchemy of sorts.
Therefore, more and more I see the breakdowns and challenges that life brings me, as evidence that life is up under me, supporting me, supporting you. All the way. So when I’m in it (the dark) – no matter how excruciating it may be – I have a deep and unwavering trust in the divine process, and in myself.
It’s a labour of love, no doubt.
It’s a new level of power. I feel lighter. Yet strengthened. I am more myself than ever before.
I am unfuckable with.
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Here’s a little piece that followed my latest sojourn into the dark:
The hours stretch long.
And it simmers beneath my skin.
This thing, I cannot name.
Cannot tame.
It’s inevitable. Unrelenting.
There’s nothing to do, but wait.
Oh it’s big. I can feel it.
Ripening. Readying.
And the closer it gets, the greater the fight in me.
The swell of fear.
Yet it comes.
I will it to me.
A swift, pounding wave.
And my heart breaks.
This bitter-sweet reveal.
It guts me.
The impact of it – as my life replays in snapshots.
Yet there’s relief too.
In every injury. Every nuance. Every joy.
The best and the worst of it.
This is the heartbreak, of being fully alive.
Courage, like a mad one.
Unrelenting.
And I grieve how it shaped me.
I breathe into these bones.
Unwavering.
She always was.
And I lean in. And I hold on. As I let go.
Falling into this pulse.
The curve of flesh.
This soft body.
The place I rest.
My alter. My anchor.
The beating drum.
Ever loud.
The mighty drum, of my heart.
And even though I flail, I’m steady.
As I lie in wait. Recalibrating. Watching.
As sure as the tide, for what’s to come.
I feel my power surge.
She returns to me.
Fortified.
More herself than ever.
She floods in me.
A stand for love.
Aliveness.
Mine and yours.
It’s all I can do.
This unrelenting, mighty drum.
Like the tide.
Aching to be loved.
Aching to love.
My tender, mighty heart.
♡
Ahhhh…. my heart wants to connect with yours. So please share with me below: How do you go with the dark? Do you welcome it or resist it? What is your anchor when you’re in it? And do you believe that it births the light, or not?
Loving you fiercely,
All the way.
I have known a side of you from long ago and have remembered you fondly for years. To connect with you 20 years later via this impersonal tool has been more enlightening than I could have ever imagined. You have awakened a piece of me numbed by my surroundings. .. thank you x
Hey Deb! Thank you for this. For so long I was disconnected and terrified of being seen by anyone from my past (Yass). I love that you are here with me. xo
I Loved receiving this is my inbox today, resonated in so many levels. Thank you for sharing. : )
I’m so glad darling. Theres a gestation period that I cannot and will not put on a schedule. So when it comes – it comes. Much love xo
Love it- So real
Gotta keep it real babe, as well you know ; )
Beautiful… So beautiful. I could hear your voice as I was reading, feel your heart… 🙏
Haaaa
Awwww… my tender, mighty heart. Thank you for reading, and for recieving my heart Elise xo
I got so many shivers reading this. It’s as if you’ve extracted my own deepest truths and described the undercurrent of what fully living really means. I love you tons! I feel connected by your sharing and I feel less alone. 💗💕💛✨
Beloved Kate. Thank you for your beautiful response. I am so glad our hearts met and continue to meet. I love you too darling. ♡
You are an incredible soul and I’m thankful for your presence in my life 😊
Thanks Vonda! I am so happy to have you in my tribe ♡
That sounds like a beautiful alive raw courageous heart beating in tune with life! ; )
Thanks Marnie. Yes, my tender, mighty heart. I feel seen by you. ♡
Sublimely divine and achingly beautiful and wise – just like u Kylian Martin – loving all of u always and unconditionally xxx
So much love and gratitude for you Lisa. Thank you for seeing me. And for your unwavering support. xo
Generous sharing right from your heart to mine. Thanks.
Thanks Christina, I just love that my writing is being received, and that it speaks to your heart. xo
I *so* felt this shift in the last Deep Rest session – you truly are holding space for some profound manifestations. I am particularly loving how each session together is restoring my creative, evolutionary Self, giving me a new platform for physically Being in the world – where my sensitivity, creativity and expression are assets instead of the deficits. I was so long told they were. <3
This makes my heart sing Ninsidhe! Yes I sooooo celebrate the currency of your sensitivity, creativity and expression. Such Super Powers babe. xo
Tears… so heart connecting. I hear you… I share the journey with you. Thank you for baring your soul, it is so precious <3 xx
I hear you too Karen, and I feel your heart. Thank you for your beautiful response to my post. I sometimes wonder about sharing in this way – but comments like this spur me on to keep showing up fully in the world, so thank you. xox
♡ ♡ ♡ Beautiful heart that now expands into its fullness and depth…. You are so deserving for all that is and all that awaits beyond….
Awwwwwww….! YES! Thank you sweetheart. Feel so good. ♡♡♡
Dive deep, I hear you & witness your wisdom. Your words resonate somewhere way down in my soul X.
Awesome. Yes you are one sister who ain’t afraid of the dark. I love you ♡
Lovely to hear from you, your going forward girl! Always stay strong – that’s what I like! Your determined spirit, good things come from those qualities.
Thanks Sue! Wow – you’ve known me 44 years! And all those years apart, my hiding. Oh the grief of it…
It was profoundly healing for me to reconnect with you finally, and to have you witness me here, to have you SEE me. I am so grateful. I love you. ♡
Wow, this is so beautiful! I’m definitely going to need more of your words in my life!
This so genuinely captures that resistance to the inevitable fall into ourselves so well, that the fighting against ourselves and our lessons leaves us little but pain and the embracing of it although painful leaves us with greater peace, compassion and understanding of ourselves.
Thank you for sharing your healing xx
Oh Anna! You are so generous! Thank you sweetheart.
My blog (thus far) has unwittingly been about breaking through my self imposed limitations and daring to be seen. Baring it all, so to speak. It still freaks me out and liberates me – all at once. I feel overwhelmed and healed by all of this delicious feedback, love and support…. Thank you for seeing me. xox
This is so beautiful, so wise and just divine. Thank you.
Thanks Chloe! Such a pleasure to write – and to have my musings witnessed and received, so graciously. x
Your January sounds just like mine. So much personal revelation and inner work! So gorgeous and wise. Thank you xx
Ahhhhh… Kirstie. Gold mining too huh? Thanks for dropping by. Mwah xx