The Perfect Paradox
I’ve been simultaneously traversing the most beautiful and heart wrenching places: falling in love – whilst healing some old, old trauma. The perfect paradox.
And in a blink, it’s the end of January. How did that happen?
In those elusive weeks that were January, I unearthed some gems about being with the dark (a.k.a. ugly, dislocated, scary) parts of myself – and how it births the light. Power. Always.
Prior to this deep dive, I spent a week with my family, on the farm where I grew up, for Christmas. I love that place. I have such a visceral experience of “home”. I slept 10 hours each night and enjoyed daily naps. I was fed like royalty by my Mum. I fully let go of my work roles, to simply reset. Oh. My. God.
I hung out with Mum and Dad. I caught up with friends with whom I’d lost contact, including a school friend I’ve not seen in 20 years since we shared a house in Sydney, and her mum who taught me kindergarten (40 years ago)! I met her exquisite daughter and her husband. I saw my nieces, who I missed growing up into these beautiful young women. My heart imploding with grief and gratitude and joy. And as much as I love my parents – and it’s been a long road to be able to openly declare that – it is also really challenging to step into allllll of this, (and a whole lot more which I won’t go in to here) for a week, yes?
Because I got to see all the parts of me that are incomplete, prickly, judgemental, resistant, hard on myself, longing. My old, old wounds and even the younger me, wanting to relate as she once did. So yeah, there was plenty of paradox and heartbreak in there.
Yet as challenging as it was, it was sublimely healing. You see, for most of my adult life – I have routinely abandoned myself and my life, and most of the people in it – as a way of escaping the unbearable pain of being in my own skin. I’d leave, and recreate myself, and my life. For some momentary relief. That was my thing.
But these days, I stay. With all of it. Which means, I get to actually have the things I’ve always secretly ached for. Like love, joy, belonging, connection – and, I get to experience conflict in a way that actually strengthens my relationships. So I really got the flip side of the dark: which is how much I’ve softened, forgiven, evolved and matured.
Like my beloved says, ‘Gotta own that shit”.
And this, my darlings, is why I do what I do, for you. It’s why I am a stand for love. It’s why I can stay here, with you – no matter where you are in your life. Because I am mastering how to stay, here, with myself. In the face of anything. Everything. And I want that for you too.
And inside of this, I really get how my staying the course, enables me to show up more fully in my life. In my work. And to birth the next juicy thing, for you, my tribe.
I’m getting present to how I really am teaching the very thing I am here to learn. Each trial I triumph, hones my superpowers. It forges my resolve a little more. Fortifies me. In turn enriching my offerings. I suppose it’s an alchemy of sorts.
Therefore, more and more I see the breakdowns and challenges that life brings me, as evidence that life is up under me, supporting me, supporting you. All the way. So when I’m in it (the dark) – no matter how excruciating it may be – I have a deep and unwavering trust in the divine process, and in myself.
It’s a labour of love, no doubt.
It’s a new level of power. I feel lighter. Yet strengthened. I am more myself than ever before.
I am unfuckable with.
Here’s a little piece that followed my latest sojourn into the dark:
The hours stretch long.
And it simmers beneath my skin.
This thing, I cannot name.
It’s inevitable. Unrelenting.
There’s nothing to do, but wait.
Oh it’s big. I can feel it.
And the closer it gets, the greater the fight in me.
The swell of fear.
Yet it comes.
I will it to me.
A swift, pounding wave.
And my heart breaks.
This bitter-sweet reveal.
It guts me.
The impact of it – as my life replays in snapshots.
Yet there’s relief too.
In every injury. Every nuance. Every joy.
The best and the worst of it.
This is the heartbreak, of being fully alive.
Courage, like a mad one.
And I grieve how it shaped me.
I breathe into these bones.
She always was.
And I lean in. And I hold on. As I let go.
Falling into this pulse.
The curve of flesh.
This soft body.
The place I rest.
My alter. My anchor.
The beating drum.
The mighty drum, of my heart.
And even though I flail, I’m steady.
As I lie in wait. Recalibrating. Watching.
As sure as the tide, for what’s to come.
I feel my power surge.
She returns to me.
More herself than ever.
She floods in me.
A stand for love.
Mine and yours.
It’s all I can do.
This unrelenting, mighty drum.
Like the tide.
Aching to be loved.
Aching to love.
My tender, mighty heart.
Ahhhh…. my heart wants to connect with yours. So please share with me below: How do you go with the dark? Do you welcome it or resist it? What is your anchor when you’re in it? And do you believe that it births the light, or not?
Loving you fiercely,
All the way.