Fear of being seen
Hello lovely one!
It’s been a while hey?
Well, I have a confession to make.
I have a HUGE fear of being ‘seen‘.
Being. Seen. Freaks. Me. Out.
There. I said it!
And here’s the paradox: I love being seen. Quite the contradiction, but the truth is – when I’m seen I am in my element. I come alive, I thrive….
And yet, I’ve been hiding. Not showing up fully – in my life – or in your inbox.
This is my first email (which I decided was gonna be my first blog) since my new website launch in early March. Hellooooo?!
You see, I’ve been putting off writing until I had something ‘significant’ or new to send you…
And well, I don’t just want to ‘sell’ you stuff!
Then I realised this morning I am deeply aching to share myself, and to (re)connect with you! It is this process – of life, unfolding as a human being – that I want to share! Not just my juicy work, but all of it.
Oooohhh, yeah!! I really like the way that feeeeels.
I’m a visual girl, there’s no doubt. Those who know me well can testify – I’ve always been at home when I lead, teach, facilitate, speak, inspire, express, create…. As a graphic designer, visual artist, creative arts therapist and teacher – I’m totally visible right? But being seen is somethin’ else, baby.
“I’m so scared of dying without ever being really seen.”
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
You see, I have this pattern – of showing up, putting it out there, having a big breakthrough or success – and then recoiling. I curl up, hibernate and recalibrate…. ’til the next inevitable outward impulse. A familiar “expansion-contraction” dance I do oh-so-well. It reflects the nature of my work (navigating the creative tension of being human). And it’s reflected back to me everywhere – in nature, relationships, creativity… beautiful huh?
I know in my bones – that being truly seen is very healing.
I feel safe, accepted, connected, loved, liberated. Pure Soul medicine, really. Freedom.
So, dear one, I am facing my fear and sharing my process with you… I have a list of intentions for this year and one of them is stepping up and doing things that scare me!
Can you relate? Do you recognise this pattern in yourself? This primal dance, of opening up, expanding…. then contracting, pulling back…?
Aaahhh…. I feel so relieved to have this little revelation. I realise that not being seen undermines my broader vision. Which requires me to fully show up in the world. For me, for you, and for humanity. To share myself. My process, my vulnerabilities, as well as my potent work. All of it. (Not just the shiny, polished bits.) No more hiding, Kylian.
This means you can expect to see me here, in your inbox, a little more often. (Yay!)
Thanks for reading my most transparent and real email to my tribe, which I decided to make my very first ‘blog’!
I’d love you to check out my little revelation video from this morning, and be sure to comment below this blog post.
I would love to hear your thoughts….
With deep gratitude and love,
Hi Kylian,
Beautiful. Good for you for being real. I hope it brings you liberation and joy.
And yes I so relate. I too find that after a big launch of my next workshop and doing it, though on the one hand I’m pumped with loads of ideas and inspiration for how to do the next one even better… I have this natural exhale.. tide out … sort of time where I find myself going within to integrate the expansion it took to get me to that space of being ‘out there’.
Like you, I too love being ‘out there’. Love to teach, speak, express, create… I’m in my element in front/with others … sharing… and thus far I’m quite content with the expansion/contraction cycle… though like you… I’d like to share both parts and blog more often…. slowly, slowly, it’s coming to fruition… <3
Love and many blessings beautiful one.
Karakrista xxx
Ahhhh, yes … the exhale…. Our time to integrate and catch up to where we’ve ‘arrived’ in ourselves hey? Yeah its perfectly ok for this cycle in private (behind closed doors), but I feel called to stre—tch myself more – to show up in this real place. To share from there. It feels very liberating! Enjoy your blossoming lovely one xo
You are beautiful, just as you are sweet sister! (You already know that though baby!!)
Thanks for taking a risk, you are a truly authentic, vulnerable ,raw and real woman!
I love you xxxx
Awwww…! Thanks Star. Yeah I get that these are my strengths, so it’s a great shift – to get over myself and JFDI (code for just fuc#in’ do it for those who dont know ; ) Baaahhahh! xo
Hi Darling.
Thanks for courage. I think it took courage to post that video. I loved seeing you real and unsure. We all know how to show ourselves with the “i know something” face.. but I am sure many will resonate with the unpolished unknowing space you invite us into when you are willing to share yourself from that OTHER place with us.
Well Done Lovely. xox
Hey thanks so much Liat. Feels great to share – and to connect with you! As leaders (teachers) we are often in our ‘zone’ (polished as you say), so this is a good little breakthrough. I didn’t imagine my 1st blog would be so unpolished! Haha!! But god – it feels so real and alive for me. And I have seen you in this space too (vulnerable, real) – when you are teaching, and it touches me so deeply. xo
Sent you an email -and PS You are awesome! Great set of skills to offer to the World -your time-your way. Withdrawing is sometimes re-filling!! Xox
Got it Carolyn! Yay, its our natural human rhythm hey? Ahhh, re-filling, re-fueling, re-kindling, re-storing, re-calibrating… yum, Yum… YUM!!! Feels kinda overdue for me to really claim it (so publicly, I mean)!! Sweet relief…. xo
Present and then Ground myself….allow the time to breathe….
I find that is my process otherwise I am rattled, disorganised and frazzled with the world ☺
Ahhh, yes Tanya. Me too honey. Grounding and breathing…. And yet the ‘frazzle’ can still come! (with such a sensitive system hey?) May we face, and be in the world – with self compassion – despite how frazzled we may be.
Much love xo
I loved watching your video and it gave me great hope for humanity. Realness makes humans so utterly beautiful you were shining from the inside which is powerful. Thank you for your courage to show yourself. I have just renovated my new premises and its a new start for the Somatic Therapy I offer and your video has reminded me that being real is what really matters to me the most. My nervous system is very fragile too – which is great for my work, as I can feel a lot in my own nervous system, but it also means that anything too big (doing a presentation, the big trauma education series I just set up, renovating my office in too short a time) shatters me and I take a while to bounce back. I feel a bit of shame around it as part of me feels I should be “all together”, yet I love people the most who are NOT always “all together”, therefore showing their humanness. Thank you, thank you for the reminder!
I am so glad my little video touched you Barbara. Such an unplanned and unexpected thing for me to do! I too have grappled for many years with feeling shame around being sooooo sensitive, needing lots of solo time, and to take time out to recover after being overly activated. But I’ve come to realise that this insight, and self knowing is such a gift! And so let us take a stand for one another – and celebrate our sensitivities, our deepest needs. And to recognise how “together” we really are for having this deep awareness and this incredible gift – which serves our collective humanity in such profound ways. For we could not do the potent work we do without it, could we?
Good luck with the reno’s! Wishing you ease and grace – wrapped in a blanket of gentleness and self compassion… xo
Dearest Kylian,
I am so glad I picked up your leaflet… to have come across your website… and to see the beautiful authentic you on this video.
In 2010, I did a year long management training. At the end, Mips, our facilitator and a truly inspiring lady, told me she admired my – this is hard to translate – “krachtige kwetsbaarheid”, powerful vulnerability – vulnerability in force. She and the group felt me as a very authentic person, daring to open up and show vulnerability and express desires. Krachtige kwetsbaarheid is exactly how I felt you in this video. Thank you. And thank you for reconnecting me to that feeling: since 2010 I had forgotten, or rather feel like I’ve been beaten and abused when opening up. Also in spiritual circles. Thank you for helping to reinstall and giving me courage, realising there is a yoga community out there and we can support one another.
A few months ago I met an amazing lady who practices as a healer. I only had one session with her and she complimented me on my nervous system.. She said it was very strong and powerful. And that got me thinking: people like us actually have a very strong, sensitive nervous system. It is a good thing. Trouble is we live in a time where there are so many impulses, everywhere, all the time. and most other peoples nervous systems are numbed out… so we feel like we are weak and do not fit in. Whereas actually we have great potential, skill, … I found that thought really empowering, it makes me feel less like a victim. Only trouble is: what to do with it? I can imagine myself living in an ashram and cultivating psychic powers… but again guess what to afraid of material future;-) but for now feel my place is in society… but can t figure out how and where to find a balance.
So you clearly have a headstart on me. And even a cat. Well done sister, you are a true source of inspiration and I look forward to seeing more of you!
I love this Veronique! “Krachtige kwetsbaarheid”!! Feels like high praise!! So thank you! It’s funny because by my sharing the very thing I most feared, and the thing that has been (for most of my life) the bane of my existence (my fear stems from being so sensitive – so I hide myself – keeping me isolated) – has cultivated such a feeling of profound connection and freedom for me. This is what I yearn for! So, I wish that for you to sweetheart. May you keep your face toward the sun and shine as only you can, trusting the process of discovery. And yes – there is a beautiful community here. May we raise one another up and celebrate our authenticity. Love Kylian xo
Awesome!
Couragous, vulnerable, authentic, stripped back, sensitive and strong!
I bow down to you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wooohooo!
Thanks Kimberley. Namaste sweet sister… xo
So very beautiful in all its rawness and realness. Thank you for sharing ‘you’. There’s such a big shift going on isn’t there with us humans ‘coming out’ as ourselves. I love that you made it a declaration. I celebrate your success
Hey there Kat! Yeah – there’s some pretty potent energies right now for SURE!
Time to claim our Sovereignty hey? Yaaaaaahhhhh!!!! xo
Thanks for sharing and shining light on yr fears they help me to perhaps be courageous enough to share similar fears of being seen . Totally resonate on the little big dance of expanding and contracting … Natural rhythm of life but still is like to get to a place of doing it all a little bit less dramatic 😉 yr an inspiration . Thank you x
Great Madhu! I really am discovering that our fears are potent healing portals. And such irony hey? You (and me) are so very ‘visible’… Enjoy the dance. xo
Hi. What a lovely touching video. I’m sitting here in my hotel room in LA before my long flight home tonight and your honesty and openness has touched my soul. We all have our own struggles in life but somehow knowing your not alone gives you strength to get through another day. X
Ahhh, yes. To be reminded of our humanness. Our strength. We are one. Much love for a safe flight home beautiful Paula. xo
Thanks Kylian for showing your vulnerable self. I loved your natural video. I feel the balance in life is having time to integrate our experiences and be with ourselves in a gentle and loving way. Loved your Deep Rest class last night. Warmly Radhika
Yes it sure is hey, welcoming it ALL with love. I am so glad you enjoyed the class. xo
Hello lovely :)….well that was refreshingly honest and I appreciate you showing up X Yes I relate to what you said as a highly sensitive person as well. And I feel the timing was quite poignant in listening to you today and in particular to honouring our own unique processes – I did that today by understanding why I felt resistance to something I had planned to do – now I realise I don’t have the energy for that and it is ok to recognise my own process and the time it requires to refuel – particularly with a sensitive nervous system. THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPENESS AND BRAVERY TO REVEAL YOURSELF KYLIAN xxxxxxx much love Karen xxxxxx
YAY! You sound liberated Karen. Well done – acknowledging and honouring the deeper part of you… Who knew revealing myself in this way would inspire so many others? Feels gooood… Much love to you xo
Kylian, so beautiful to meet you this way. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to the sensitivity you speak of, and now, also your desire to share more authentically. Its wonderful, so much self awareness, and we need more of it. I agree, polished is not always as connecting and I think individuals have greater impact when not polished and when brave enough to be open and authentic. Thank you, I look forward to more! xxx
Hey Ursh, nice to meet you too! Polished has its place, for sure. But no one is polished all the time. Sharing this part of myself has been liberating – for me, and for you. SO yeah, I look forward to more too. xo
Beautiful Kylian,
Thanks for sharing your inner world 🙂
Refreshing and inspiring xxx
Hey Prue, my pleasure sweetheart. Edgy, but oh-so-liberating… xo
Dear Kylie,
I loved your video and the idea. It’s so resonant with so many of us. I, for one, have been disowning so much of myself – hiding from the world. My shadow aspects are crying out – screaming actually – for recognition and love. I have a suspicion that through this process of integration we find our greatest gifts and offerings.
Warmest,
Liane
Yes – me too! And I agree Liane, that as we reclaim these fractured parts of ourselves – we discover/cultivate our greatest gifts…. Such a paradox! And a joy. xo
Hello darling,
I so honor you and your courageous share! I honor your vulnerability and your willingness to be seen. I honor your courage to post a video, show up and meet your fears consciously. I recognise and witness a shrinking in myself at times into my smallness and it is big – to fully claim our bigness and face what gets in the way of always being our authentic self. Our true nature is one fully expressed. The ebb of the ebb and flow of life can be time to restock, rejuvenate, replenish, restore. However I am aware for myself that it can be a time of shrinking, so meeting this in myself is a current challenge to keep showing up and claiming more of me.
Love all of you dear kylian.
Ahhhh… I love all of you too sweet soul sister Merri. I stand with you as you claim it ALL!!! xox
Hi Kylian
I was about to delete your email, thinking it was spam (or rather not wanting to think but just’clean up’ my in box! I’m so glad i didn’t…This time. What a relevant gem i would have missed out on. I can’t really share much at this moment, for a number of reasons i don’t even want to express either, but what i got from your share is that you’ll probably understand even this jumbled non message. Ah, what a relief to know others know, even when i don’t know. So much’knowing’ beyond the perceived all knowing i aspire to having a handle on! I think I’ve only come to yours once or twice, but when I’m back in Oz, i have a feeling is time to reconnect. All blessings and a humble namaste to you sensitive sister. Xo ishka
Ishka, I so hear you. I am sooooo over having it all ‘handled’. So exhausting. It’s a balancing act for us senstitive’s – but yes, lets just show up as we are eh? Love to you xo
It’s the dance, the song of the ocean at the shoreline . .. come towards, captivate, invite . . . recoil, withdraw, fall back. It’s actually beautiful. Perhaps it’s also your greatest strength being used against you? That ability to be super-sensitive and connect with others, nature, the highest power. It’s being pinned down and held captive, broken and turned against you. But YOU keep breaking free –hurrah! It’s a process to stay free. I am cheering you on!
Yes it is a dance, Angelini. A beautiful, messy, liberating dance. So let’s cheer each other on… xox
Yup! Time after time I have created such ‘raw’ expressions to share (videos and murmurings)… but I have never had the courage to actually post them! Definitely some kind of fear of being seen ‘unpolished’ – and I’m not even a polish type! 😉
But your sharing, is so exquisitely inspiring in it’s authentic rawness… that I want to share too!! Watch this space hehe 🙂
Much love and respect x
Ok Sufiyo, I’m watching you! ; ) Yes it’s ongoing – this ‘getting over myself’ enough to just be totally “seen” in my authentic, unpolished raw state. It’s super edgy. And super liberating. I look forward to seeing your videos…. xo