Fear of being seen

Hello lovely one!

It’s been a while hey?
Well, I have a confession to make.
I have a HUGE fear of being ‘seen‘.

Being.     Seen.     Freaks.      Me.      Out.

There. I said it!

And here’s the paradox: I love being seen. Quite the contradiction, but the truth is – when I’m seen I am in my element. I come alive, I thrive….

And yet, I’ve been hiding. Not showing up fully – in my life – or in your inbox.

This is my first email (which I decided was gonna be my first blog) since my new website launch in early March. Hellooooo?! 
You see, I’ve been putting off writing until I had something ‘significant’ or new to send you…
And well, I don’t just want to ‘sell’ you stuff!

Then I realised this morning I am deeply aching to share myself, and to (re)connect with you! It is this process – of life, unfolding as a human being – that I want to share! Not just my juicy work, but all of it.

Oooohhh, yeah!! I really like the way that feeeeels.

I’m a visual girl, there’s no doubt. Those who know me well can testify – I’ve always been at home when I lead, teach, facilitate, speak, inspire, express, create…. As a graphic designer, visual artist, creative arts therapist and teacher – I’m totally visible right?  But being seen is somethin’ else, baby.

“I’m so scared of dying without ever being really seen.” 
― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

You see, I have this pattern – of showing up, putting it out there, having a big breakthrough or success – and then recoiling. I curl up, hibernate and recalibrate…. ’til the next inevitable 
outward impulse. A familiar “expansion-contraction” dance I do oh-so-well. It reflects the nature of my work (navigating the creative tension of being human). And it’s reflected back to me everywhere – in nature, relationships, creativity… beautiful huh?

I know in my bones – that being truly seen is very healing.
I feel safe, accepted, connected, loved, liberated. Pure Soul medicine, really. Freedom.

So, dear one, I am facing my fear and sharing my process with you… I have a list of intentions for this year and one of them is stepping up and doing things that scare me!

Can you relate? Do you recognise this pattern in yourself? This primal dance, of opening up, expanding…. then contracting, pulling back…?

Aaahhh…. I feel so relieved to have this little revelation. I realise that not being seen undermines my broader vision. Which requires me to fully show up in the world. For me, for you, and for humanity. To share myself. My process, my vulnerabilities, as well as my potent work. All of it. (Not just the shiny, polished bits.) No more hiding, Kylian.

This means you can expect to see me here, in your inbox, a little more often. (Yay!)

Thanks for reading my most transparent and real email to my tribe, which I decided to make my very first ‘blog’!

I’d love you to check out my little revelation video from this morning, and be sure to comment below this blog post.

I would love to hear your thoughts….

With deep gratitude and love,