Instead of pushing myself to get something ‘fabulous’ out there for my tribe – I’m actually gonna share what’s really going on. It feels like I owe you that much. And myself.
I’ve been at odds with my own reckoning.
Since getting really sick a year ago – I have become more sensitive than ever. And the truth is – most days it feels impossible to be on the computer – less structure a sentence, write, show up on social media, doing the whole online biz thing. My brain is offline more than it is on, and there’s a perpetual, baseline brain-fog that seems to have taken residence.
In a nutshell – for you curious or concerned ones – I’m experiencing the residual effects of a potent cocktail of toxic poisoning, elecromagnetic radiation sensitivity, gut issues and the longterm effects of a traumatic brain injury. And I am dyslexic – which brings its own set of cognitive challenges. (Oh if you only knew how looooong it took me to write this post).
The result? A (sometimes greatly) reduced cognitive capacity, significantly reduced work time and very little time “plugged-in”.
[There. That feels big to disclose. . . Big, but soooooo good.]
So I’ve needed to make further changes in the way I live my life. I listen more deeply. I work waaaaay less. I endeavour to only do stuff that feels good. Really good.
And while I have (for the most part) made peace with this mysterious biological process – of course I also long for it to shift or resolve, so I can really show up fully in my life in a way I ache to…. You see my body has never felt better. I am dancing again after almost 3 years off. I feel physically liberated, strong, resilient. And I’m in love (with a man who is highly attuned to the somatic and emotional sensitivities I am birthing. Yay!) So life is particularly delicious. I’m all in, baby. And I’m ready…
Or am I?
Here I am – a year after my strange illness appeared – standing on a metaphorical bridge. Functioning at half-mast. Partially empowered with a whole lotta deep support, info and insight into what is actually going on – yet still somewhat debilitated and resigned. Paradoxically – my instinctive psoas and nervous system continue to be my champions, my medicine and my guides – as I ponder:
Is this it? Could this my new reality?
Yes, I am still teaching, coaching, working with clients. And it’s all infused with my own unfolding to inform my anticipated Psoas Love e-course. And it’s coming along nicely. It’s just real Slooooooow….. The creative and embodied stuff with clients is easy for me. It is me. It’s the cognitive stuff that’s hard. Often impossible.
Part of me just wants to get on with it! Now! I aaaaache to create, to be the prolific trailblazer once more. My impatient one is like c’mon! Enough already! Let’s do this!!! Let’s play! She wants to be able to work and produce and show up like she did not so long ago. And yet I know that she (extreme, obsessive, masculine) is no longer serving me, or you. That she thwarts my evolution, and that of the work. So I am coming to terms with that. Exploring the space in between the two extremes. The bridge.
It was one thing to “get it” when my body broke down in 2011, I made the necessary shifts. But now my body is well, I am being stopped by my brain, and slowed my nervous system. It’s crazy hard. Yet I know I am actually just living the next stage of my work. I always was the guinea pig. Isn’t that the path of the pioneer?
Just checking in with myself:
I find it really challenging to be this honest and vulnerable – and well, messy here, with you. Let’s face it – we’re barraged by online entrepreneurs and facebook friends we’ve never met projecting perfect, glossy lives. And even though I love my life just as it is (i’ll take real over gloss any day), on some level I just wanna be that robust, unstoppable leader. I want to bridge that gap between what I sense and vision is possible – and what is actually showing up.
Turns out – I am a work in progress.
There’s a resulting inner dialogue which in the past would have me throw in the towel: God, how can I be an effective leader if I’m still in therapy resolving my own trauma? You know it’s all fodder. How can I teach people to regulate their nervous systems when I still spike so easily? That’s why you are the expert, darling. How can I make a valuable contribution when I can’t even be online? You are a contribution, sweetheart. How can I do this with such acute sensitivities? Your sensitivity is your greatest ally and gift.
So I’m staying.
And as I stay, and go deeper, surrendering, unravelling and welcoming my exquisite sensitivity – I get to embody the work I bring to the world on a profound new level. Refining my superpowers to an extraordinary frequency. I already see it translating into my work. This new calibre of transformation blows me away! So I can’t help but trust that there is a divine plan, a kind of perfection to it all. After all – for as long as I can remember, my work has been shaped by my own lived experience. I even wrote a thesis about it 11 years ago as part of my Masters! Hellooooo, Kylian!
As I write that a loving voice whispers: So, just trust the process, sweetheart. You’ve got this.
Stay the course.
So with your permission – rather than riding this one out alone, or abandoning ship like I did in the past – I’d like to keep sharing with you. The juicy stuff, the messy me AND the extraordinary. All of it.
And even though, for now, I have taken off my cape – lay down the mantle – there’s undoubtedly an alchemical process in progress. And I sense that the velocity and creativity and juice that awaits me on the other side – as I stay, do the work and cross this bridge – will be unprecedented.
And I will be ready.
I hope you will be there to meet me.
All the way.