The Irony of Resolving Trauma
Last week I realised it was exactly one year, since I wrote my first (accidental) blog:
Fear of Being Seen.
It was never my intention to write a blog.
Especially about my own experience – of living what I teach!!
Looking back over the year – it appears that I am indeed the student, the laboratory and the teacher!
So as an introvert – publishing that first blog was, well, BIG!
To be that transparent and personal? In the scary cyber-world I’d successfully avoided for so long?
No more hiding, Kylian!
[And interestingly, I got really sick (old head trauma stuff) soon after launching my sexy new website – in which I am very visible. Verrrrry interesting. To me. You see, it informs my work with you. The effects of stress and trauma… Yes. Hindsight is a beautiful thing…]
So, I considered how far I’ve come (and gone) in 12 months.
With my fear, I mean.
And what this so-called ‘blog’ (and brain-fog) is really all about…
Turns out – it’s another platform for me to teach. I’m living it. Unpolished, often messy.
The brain-fog is simply a symptom of my unravelling and resolving trauma. My body wisdom in action.
Some might see it as indulgent. I’ve certainly had my own doubts along the way…
But it’s authentic.
I’m still fearful, sure. But it’s slowly loosening its grip.
Each time I press that shiny fear button (‘publish’), my heart races. It’s part of the reason I write so sporadically. When I do write – it’s gotta be ‘real’ for me. It’s gotta be an absolute ‘Yes” in my nervous system. Not something I schedule in for Tuesday mornings, if you get what I mean. If I’m really gonna do this? And go all the way (with my business, my own healing, my one precious life)? Then it’s on my terms, hey.
Ok, where was I…
I ache to be seen. To belong. To feel connected. And I just love that my tribe is growing organically. I don’t know where half of you came from! Seriously!
Yet this is one of the things I feared! Cyber-space? Absolutely.
I’m an old-school entrepreneur. Have been for over 20 years.
The whole internet/social media/online marketing thing scares the shit out of me.
Cool. Another paradox. Without facing the very thing I fear, I wouldn’t have what I most ache for.
I give thanks. For your being here with me. In cyber-space. Irony.
It heartens me. That what I do say – has a place in the world. Has some value. Yet being visible is super edgy for me. It plugs me in to the reservoir of trauma, held in my body. It’s a challenging, and profoundly tender experience. The more I embody the work I bring to the world – the sharper my awareness becomes. The more liberated, sensitive and ironically robust I am. And so on…
I decided that the many ways in which I actually do show up in this experiment, forms my ‘apprenticeship’. Even though I first started teaching 20 years ago (LOL! That’s craaaazy long!) in various incarnations. I continue to resolve this longstanding trauma o’ mine and heal my own fears. It enables me to show up more fully, and more authentically.
As I hone my ability to stay regulated in my own nervous system (and NOT get all obsessive or hyper-aroused in the face of being visible) – the fear subsides. I am in awe of the human Soul, the intelligence of this organism (mine and yours) and its capacity to heal.
Each time I press that publish button, stand in front of a group, post on social media – heart racing – I have a choice. I can ignore and diminish my sensitivity (as I did for most of my life), or I can tend to myself with loving kindness. Celebrating my courage, my win, how far I’ve come.
Yes – my nervous system is (quietly) giving me a standing ovation right now…
My Psoas – happier than ever – as whole system recalibrates. Thriving.
To Celebrate a year of facing my fear (with love):
One of my clients said recently she wanted more ‘audios’ of me – to support her in her quest for rest. Amidst the challenge of a kind of ‘re-patterning’ that is so often necessary to birth a new way of caring for ourselves, a little love can go a long way…
So I made this little audio for her. And for you…
My intention is to simply meet you where you are, with gentleness and love.
To hold space for you to meet yourself with benevolence…
Just as you are.
Loving you all the way…
PS: I also remembered – as I reflected during this the past week –
that my most spoken words – in all those years as a Creative Arts Therapist, were:
“I See You.”
Isn’t life just awesomely ironic?!